Monday, October 17, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
School Answering Machine
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The outgoing message:
__________________________________________________ _
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.
The outgoing message:
__________________________________________________ _
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Yearly dementia test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
No cheating, please..just scroll down till you see the next question :tongue:
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)
Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
No cheating, please..just scroll down till you see the next question :tongue:
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)
Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Dear Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion. Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son
John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home!
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion. Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son
John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home!
Company Policies
Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
(1) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
(2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
(3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
The management
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
(1) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
(2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
(3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
The management
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
My trip to Walmart
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter, and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack -- he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter, and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack -- he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Leonard Cohen - Who by fire
And who by fire?
Who by water?
Who in the sunshine?
Who in the night time?
Who by high ordeal?
Who by common trial?
Who in your merry merry month of May?
Who by very slow decay?
And who shall I say is calling?
(Who shall I say is calling?)
And who in her lonely slip?
Who by barbiturate?
Who in these realms of love?
Who by something blunt?
Who by avalanche?
Who by powder?
Who for his greed?
Who for his hunger?
And who shall I say is calling?
(Who shall I say is calling?)
And who by brave assent?
Who by accident?
Who in solitude?
Who in this mirror?
Who by his lady's command?
Who by his own hand?
Who in mortal chains?
Who in power?
And who shall I say is calling?
(Who shall I say is calling?)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Temple One Feat. Neev Kennedy – Love The Fear (Original Mix)
You were like water
Slipping through my hand
That I couldn’t grasp
Or hold, couldn’t land
You were
A painting curved in the open sand
That the waves abducted
On sea demand
Between the shores of the oceans
The summits of the high
Where did it go wrong?
I’m gonna love the fear
I’m gonna love the fear
Like I’ve never been afraid before
It may break my heart to go
With the wind of change blowing
And all that sense of not knowing
Gotta love the fear
Let you go
It may break my heart to go
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